


Unspoken

by chris_phd



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-11
Updated: 2017-12-13
Packaged: 2019-02-13 11:50:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12983457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chris_phd/pseuds/chris_phd
Summary: A funeral brings together maybe the same or more people that once attended their weeding but with totally other feelings that fill the air.Hotch it's healing...or this is that he thinks he is doing.Bottling his emotions was his upper speciality, until the youngest member of his team that has zero experience in how 'feelings' work seem to shatter this wall he was creating between him and the world.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so my SO introduced me to CM and I just saw season 5 aka the most important episode with Hotch and ...oh well~ this were the thoughts that filled my mind after the eps.

> _"I'd rather have the thought of you_  
>  _To hold against my heart,_  
>  _My spirit to be taught of you_  
>  _With west winds blowing"- Angela Morgan_  
>    
>    
> 

The usual 'If you need something don't hesitate to call.' became a torture chant for Hotch singed by dearest or less of the people he meet in his life. It crossed his mind that he would have rather be stabbed than hear those words repeating and repeating like a broken record.  
"If you and Jack ever need something..." a blond woman he knows from the agency came next to them offering a pity smile .  
"Thank you." He complete the sentence fast with his reply just to avoid the ice cold sting feeling in his heart as those words were creating.  
His team was there. Giving him sincere apologies for his loss. Maybe the only ones he could say that weren't giving him a needle in the chest. He nodded toward them. They didn't need to steal from his tongue the automated reply he was giving to escape the pain. They just knew when he will be ready to ask for any help, they will be there without a doubt.  
JJ and Garcia offer themselves to take the impatiently Jack to the inner garden of the chapel where as the priest said 'The souls gather for a chit-chat'.  
Rossi was at the table talking in a lower voice with Morgan, his eye supervising every corner of the room. And he understand him. It was that post traumatic stress kind of supervising. When they ever escape a big danger the print of that trauma grows roots deep inside heart and mind. Even if Foyer was dead, the fight, the blood that turn into crimson crusts on his knuckles, the evil light that left the bastard just a piece of meat in his own house seem just ... another nightmare he usually had if he dares to close his eyes. Something still felt wierd, like a cold breeze that never leaves his lungs choking him with that frozen feeling of being lost forever.  
'Haley...maybe this is you...right? That priest did said something about the spirits that wonder the land for 40 days...Is it...wierd to ask...for a sign? '  
He had his eyes closed like he was praying when something grabbed on his arm. It was a hesitated grab, almost shy and he thought Jack is back. Opening his eyes he meet some warm chocolate ones gazing into his so deep they could penetrate that frost inside his him.

"Reid?"  
"Oh...Ermm Hotch, I know it's not too much help but...my mother usually had a saying.In great grief finding a book to get lost in to dissociate the pain is...I really could recommend you some! I do usually get a hell of a ride with the stark trek series but this won't be your taste..maybe if you try.."  
He stopped the boy's rambling by gripping on his shoulder.

"Reid. Stop. I am fine" he nodded to him releasing him."Thank you."  
Reid closed his mouth and looked at him with a desperation in his eyes, maybe because he didn't let him finish his idea,maybe because they both know he was lying.  
"I... don't have any right to say that I know how it feels but..."  
"Reid. I am serious. I do appreciate your help but I right now. I need to figure out my own way to cope with. " he stopped him for the second time. All he wished to avoid today was 'this'. The continue 'help' signs he seem to give out. But we can't all have what we wish,huh?  
"Oh..ok..okay." the boy nodded.

He moved away slowly like it was a pain to get detached by the spot he was sitting in.  
"Daddy! " the blond ray of sunshine was running to him with JJ smiling walking after him. "Look! A ladybug!" the little boy open his hands showing what a treasure hidden in his palms.  
He looked at the boy's wide smile and the dark cloud hoovering over his head seem to crack in different places.  
"Yes, Jack. It's beautiful." he ruffled his son's hair smiling softly.  
'Look Haley...if you can see him now...look at him how happy he is.'


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Reid's POV ~

> _“Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.”-Edgar Allan Poe_

 

 

The next morning came with another fresh case just like the coffee he was now grimace at it from the lack of sugar.

The team was gather around the round table with files opened and he didn’t need to look over his, catching from the chat of others this seem another case of a ‘’angels maker’’ but this time inside of a hospital.

Reid could swear that the black fog of grief was carried by each one of them on their shoes like a strong smell that gets into the leather and no matter what magical toxic substance you will use to clean it, it will never leave you.

Sipping on his coffee he looked how everyone was trying to act professional like yesterday wasn’t a funeral. Like their supervisor’s absence was something normal and all his existence was just another long dream he had after a hand of sleeping pills.

“Sooooo the unsub is practically a Mad Doctor that pushes people over the roof of the clinic? “Morgan shook his head letting the file on the desk.”See now why I hate doctors?”

“Morgan, I got three words for you to change your opinion.” Garcia smirked to him on her way out.”Last Halloween , nurse.”

She should have stayed more to enjoy the little victory of how Morgan’s face turn from confusion to realization to ultra embarrassment remembering that event.  It was the night Reid cosplay one of the nurses from silent hill and Morgan actually hitting on him. All night her favorite agent chased his colleague without knowing, thinking “she” is playing hard to get.

Groaning Morgan pout avoiding the chuckles coming from JJ and Emily. The only one that seem to not enjoy the small exchange of amusing look of the team was Rossi that frowned at the pictures on the screen.

“We shouldn’t make a pattern out of this way of action, the last two victims were probably forced to ingest the medications he gave them…death from overdoses.”Rossi mutters flipping the pages of the medical report.

“What if he is not forcing them?” he pointed out letting the still ‘not enough sugar’ cup on the desk next to his untouched file and went to the screen were the pictures were displayed “since he is an employee of the hospital he does have access to the data of the patience and as a nurse or doctor he gives them the safeness they want and need so it’s easy for him as an important person to just seed this idea of ‘salvation’ by committing suicide…He actually acts more like an “Angel of Death” like, he is the guide of those without hope, our last victims were suffering of chronical disease, right? He is the only way out of pain for the victims.”

“Yes, and the previous ones were diagnose with cancer .” JJ nodded looking in her file.

“So, we are looking for a white male that works in the hospital, he can be a nurse or doctor , his clothes and attitude will give you the impression of an important person you can trust on the spot.” Morgan closed his file.

“Also charismatic “ Emily added “ And since his targets are the hopeless patients he might be an oncologist or someone that works in a lab and keeps track on each results.”

“And! Let’s not forget that the unsub can be a woman. It’s common known that actually the Angels of Death or simple Death is portrayed as a blond beautiful woman that they say her beauty or her iconic ‘kiss’ is the one that spare them of misery .”

“Okay, male or female we need to send this angel back to where it belongs.” Morgan stood up.” Meet in 30, okay?”

Reid nodded being the first to leave the room after Emily that pat his back.

“Are you okay? You seem a little….distant.” she looked at him concernted.

“Oh, yes, of course. Sorry…I am still a little…you know.” he gave her a small smile before she nodded.

“We all are, Reid. It’s okay to feel this. Come on. I will make you a super sugary coffee before we leave so you can cheer up.”

“Aww, there is no need. I think I will skip the sugar for today…I don’t feel like.” He shrugged as the woman grabbed his arm pulling him to the small kitchen.

“I won’t accept no for an answer. You know that.” She threat him with her finger.

“Or what? Make me listen to your emo albums Garcia picked from your Ipod?” he raised a brow at her ‘bitchface’.

“Spencer, I am in control of the sugar and salt….if I were you I would take care not to piss off the one that holds such power.”

Reid chuckled following her to the kitchen.” I am aware of it. But you should also remember I have a eidetic memory so I will know when and where you switch the salt and sugar.”

“Pffff, killjoy.” Emily mumbled pouring herself a cup of coffee.

 He smiled at her trying to avoid the little whisper in his mind that was mocking him.

‘Nice act Spencer, see? You can be like them too. Avoiding the dead elephant in the room even if the smell seem to crush your brain cells…you are doing good…avoid…dissociate…forget…’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got home so I got a pc, easier to write ~ also please forgive me for any grammar mistakes! I am really dead tired ~  
> Also my Bachelor degree I am working on is about Suicide so it was only natural to make such case ~ ;;;;


	3. Chapter 3

 

> _“Stab the body and it heals, but injure the heart and the wound lasts a lifetime.”_
> 
> _– Mineko Iwasaki_

 

 

**Akron, Ohio**

_Beep ….beep….beep…._

The door open slowly as a white coat approached the bed of a young woman that was laying there connected to different machines that keep her alive. Her cardiac monitor showed her rhythm was stable this time. She was in her mid-thirties but her medical condition already put a tragic diagnostic that she might not catch the next year.

“Doctor…”she was staring at the night sky breathing slowly through her air mask.“Is it ever getting better?”

The white coat loom over. A gentle hand caressed her left cheek wiping away the tear that was waiting there to drop.

She was yet young but there was no hope. There were not enough founds. Not enough transfusions. Not enough…time.

“No.” a kind voice reply.

“Hmmm…” she hummed trying not burst into tears.”You…you know yesterday the priest came here and…I told him. I told him I rather be dead than a bother for my family and…to stay like this…it’s so much pain…and you know what he told me?” she turned her head to the white silhouette . “He told me it’s a sin to say such stuff…and that God always have a plan. Who is he to talk? He can walk..he can go home to his family, he has a future…well, for me? I am at the end of the road here. There is no plan…right?”

“Death is a solution, Silvia.” The voice spoke again like a whisper. “Death is a salvation. Without Death there is no Life, just like light and dark.”

“I..I know…and I was thinking since that day you told me about it…and I think I want it….I want to escape this. Please…”

Something inside his coat was making a red light.

“Then…ask nicely Silvia.” The voice ordered.

“I…I want to die. Please…I am begging you to save me.” She begged looked with her eyes filled with tears.”Please…”

It was a small silence before he reply again.

“As you wish.”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

_‘It was too early after yesterday’s event maybe I should go…we will leave anyway and Emily called me 4 times to ask where I am….but….what if it’s too late? Damn it’s really late….’_

He knock again at the door impatience licking his lips looking at his clock. Morgan did asked them to gather in 30 minutes at the plane but since JJ couldn’t join them in such short time she requested an hour or two. Bless her soul.

_‘Okay this is the last ti…’_

Ready to knock he looked how the door open and in front of it appear the tired man he was used to see in suit, giving orders, talking about cases and …be there, with them.

His absence was echoing inside his head and he knew that very well.

“Reid?” the man frowned at him.”What are you doing at this hour? It’s 3 am.”

“Oh yes, we got a case and I…I wanted to give you this…I mean I did had them with me at the funeral and after but you didn’t seem to want to talk so …here.” He took out of his bag a little plastic bag and handle it to him.

Hotch had to take a moment to register why is this boy here at his door, past the middle of the night giving him…

“Books?”

“Oh and chocolate! You know that the so called happiness it’s coming from the amino acid tryptophan found that is used by the brain to produce serotonin? And it got phenylethylalanine, theobromine and is good for cardiac health and …”

“Reid. Stop.” Hotch looked at him serious grabbing him by the arm and pull him inside the house.”Look. I understand your concerned but I am fine. “ he talked in a whisper so Jack won’t woke up.”I don’t need this.”

“No, I really picked the best books! There is also my favorite poetry book mom used to read it to me when I was sad and…” he felt that tension again, he needed to get out before it was too late. But his brain seem to push him further like maybe Hotch will open to him.

“Reid. Your sadness can’t be compared with what I feel. “ the man seem irritated rubbing his forehead.”I appreciate the gesture but right now I don’t need poetry…I need a break.”

_‘Okay…now let’s go. The man it’s sick of you. Go back Reid…don’t push it…you are on thin ice right now.’_

“Actually, the sadness and pain can be compared. I mean I can understand the loss and….Aghh!!! “ he felt his air being knocked out of his lungs as he was pushed against the wall by two strong hands that fist in his shirt.

“Loss? You don’t have nothing to loss because you lost already everything Reid! “Hotch’s eyes were red, from the tears or maybe he drink that night to go to sleep easily or…maybe he didn’t slept at all from the grief. But all Hotch knew was that if this boy is talking about how he ‘empathies ‘ again with his loss he will punch him. It was that hidden rage he accumulate all this years and unleash it when it he killed Foyet .” You lost your father over your mixed hatred and stubbornness emotions you feel since he left you. Your mothers is already lost and who knows what she will remember you tomorrow . And the way you try pathetically to have a relationship is 90% over before it starts and you know that! You know all this! Maybe the only thing you got to lose is your mind! But I think you already did it !” he snapped, his heavy breathing ghosting over the trembling lips of maybe ex-team member.

 _‘He finally snapped.’_ Somewhere deep inside him, Reid was trying to congratulate himself for at least seeing that Hotch can open up. Love or hate, any episode like this just lift the weight of his soul…and unfortunate, all those words that rolled so fast like the unloaded of a gun it hit him straight in his heart.

His eyes seem to have a clear color now, he looked like he regret what he did and Reid felt his vision blurry.

_‘I need to get away…now…fast…’_

“Shit…look Reid…” Hotch let go of his shirt and vest and looking shocked of what he just did. “I …”he wanted to reach for the boy that slapped his hand fast.

“I am okay. Please don’t touch me.” He hold his hands in defense “I need to go…”his legs moving fast to the door.

 _‘Oh what a high school throwback, huh? The adrenaline, the fear, the rejection, the pain after…they were there that night fulling him. You remember all the bulling Reid? I bet he did bullied wierdos like you in the his high school years…’_ the poisonous voice talked again as he run from the scene fast, so the tears could just dry already on his cheeks.

“Reid! Reid come back! “ Hotch walked out of the door after him but the boy was already long gone.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Reid….Reid…Hey, you here kiddo?” Morgan snapped his fingers in front of his face.

“Oh yes…the suicide…angel of death yeah..”he nodded hiding his face with the file pretending to read it trying to ignore the how others looked his way.

“He killed again. “ JJ sighed “ I just got this message 15 minutes ago.”

“The unsub seems to grow confident with each kill.”Rossi hummed” How did he do it this time? “

“He made it seem like the victim cut his own wrists with a scalpel.” JJ turn her phone to everyone to show the picture she received.

“Scalpel? Who lets a scalpel at the head of the patients?” Rossi shook his head. “This one seem sloppier… did he get emotional out of a sudden?”

“I guess we will find out soon.” Emily dial her phone “Hey Garcia, can you check any death that had been happening in this hospital? Like mother losing their child or maybe a nurse that lost an important member of their family?”

“Say no more, my damsel in distress.” The happy voice behind the scree answered.

“Oh wait…I got a suicide here…but apparently the one that committed was a doctor not patient and oh man…she was so pretty.”

Everyone exchanged a look of ‘yeah that is the profile’ before Garcia spoked again.

“ Okay ,so her name is Kate Nicholas, 34 years old, finished medical school with straight A’s and she was working there as generalist. In the time she worked all her cases were chronical patients. No filled complains,  no malpractice ,her record it’s spotless like….seriously? Squeaky clean! I only find She was a model doctor.”

He looked over his file at the phone pondering before he had an idea” Did she had any students or apprentices in her time there? We can assume a woman with such success she might have want to teach others too, right? I mean most of the famous doctors do take a halftime teacher job not only for extra income but also the recognitions.”

“Let me check….oh! Here it is! Groups of students that were took over her wing. The list it’s pretty big guys.”

“Garcia, check if any of her students were hired in the same hospital as her.” He asked again.

It was a heavy silence filled with typing sounds that seem like hours for them.

“Bing bing bing! We got a winner. And his name is …Nicholas Weber, the son of a famous surgeon, he just finished medical school 4 years ago and he is working there as resident physician, just after her death. I’ve send you the info on your phones and pc.”

“Thanks, babygirl.”Morgan smirked proudly as Emily closed the phone.“So the profile is right. Someone charismatic, well respected, he has access to the files, records. It’s him.”

“He is commemorating her death with every suicide. She taught him a way of ‘salvation’. And he just apply it.” He mutters as the image of a blond boy with an angel face appear on the screen. He needed a coffee. After such a morning that voice needed to be shut down with oversugared coffee so he got up to fetch himself some.

“I think it’s time to put a stop to all this ‘salvation’ crap. Let’s go there and search for him.” Morgan stood up following Reid in the little kitchen as JJ and  Emily open their files again and Rossi  was studying the photos of the victims. “Wait a second…Reid. Hey, I heard you went to Hotch before coming here. Did something happened?”

He was just putting his fifth spoon of sugar when he turn to face the suspicious eyes of his team member. “Happening? Why would you thinks something did happened? “

“Judging by the way you acted after I told you to focus like I pressed on the switch I think something did throw you off before and you couldn’t concentrate. Did you two fight?” Morgan frowned.

“You know you can’t profile me. I can deceive you easily.” He gave him a half smile before returning to the sixth spoon of sugar.

“Reid…”

“I think…I will go rest now.” He stopped him and add fast before another lesson ‘ a la Derek Morgan’ could start. “I know. You are all here if I need help. I am okay.” He lied with a smile on his lips passing by him to take his safe seat on the coach.

Morgan looked after him afraid that he was right about those feelings since this morning. He didn’t touched his case file, he skipped his daily coffee routine aka the 3 cups he usually drinks before they meet and now this. Something happened Reid seem to start bottle up the unspoken battles in his heart and this will only make him more vulnerable during investigations. As a temporary leader of this team, he must do all he can to make them focus on the case. And if  Anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg I wrote this before running to exam ~ sorry for any mistakes guys ;;;; pls be gentle with me ~  
> Still I enjoy the thrill of writing between exams xD

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for my bad English! I wrote this during my medical practice on the hospital halls~
> 
>  
> 
> Visit me at chris-phd.tumblr.com


End file.
